The morning after....

Photo - Freedom ponypics Sept 2011

hmmm.... yep - gotta say I still feel pretty bloody good right now!!

Liberated in fact!!! My cynical side is wondering when the hell I will come to my senses!

Never I hope!!

Just read through some earlier ramblings - written maybe 3 days ago - BEFORE I quit all sources of income.

The Crisis as I saw it ....

CRISIS

Perhaps I should explain (my sanity) slightly further in saying that six months ago my father died suddenly of a heart attack with the responsibility of executor and probate falling into my completely inadequate hands - my brother unable to assist - paperwork being my forte not his. My mother - or should I say our mother - passed away 7 years ago. Immediately after dad died a primary school friend and relatives took their own lives .

Immediately after my father passed away I fell into a depression once MOST of the duties of funeral, estate issues etc were done – HUUUUge responsibility!!! I’m ashamed to admit there are still DUTIES left incomplete 6 months later. Insurances not cancelled, headstone lettering not organized. Anyway so then the 3 subsequent tragic events and pretty much I’ve been and admittedly still am in a very fragile state – embarrassingly quick to tears, feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed and feel happiest in isolation. And grief is a complex emotion – NEVER the same every time. I have been called a control freak many a time in my life (trying very hard the last 5 years to TRY to be more relaxed here) but I can’t plan for the grief anyway. I can have 2 weeks loving hermit-ville (1600 square metres my BF owns and I am privileged to share) , then an attempt at work but then still break into tears all day - should I be forcing myself to do something that I just bloody don’t want to do?!?!? Or am I being a girls blouse and just need to have a “cup of concrete and harden up the fuck up”? This is life and we just plough on??!? Well – I don’t want to play anymore!!! Stop the bus!!! I wanna get off!!